i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
