I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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