Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
