i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
