I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The air was thick with penises
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
