Betty ford says i'm here all night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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