Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
