If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
