he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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