I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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