my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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