oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
