I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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