I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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