I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think your dad took our porno
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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