I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
