well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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