The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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