hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
