Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
