i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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