It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
