Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
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