I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
