Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ladies don't puke and tell
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
