Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
