Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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