my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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