Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
