What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You were trust falling into bushes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
