At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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