I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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