I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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