So drunk its hurt
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
