It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
