Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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