i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
