Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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