ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
