Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
