Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
