Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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