omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
