one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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