your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
