Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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