so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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