my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
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The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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