So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
