That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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