and my herpes radar will keep us safe
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
