It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.