yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.