just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
