So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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