One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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