my mouth tastes like poor choices
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
